


Sherlock and Jim become profilers

by Tigresse



Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Boys being sarcastic, Fluff and Crack, Jim being Jim, Just for Laughs, M/M, POV Jim Moriarty, POV Sherlock Holmes, PWP, Sexual Humor, Sherlock Being Sherlock
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-13
Updated: 2017-10-13
Packaged: 2019-01-16 19:19:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,026
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12349023
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tigresse/pseuds/Tigresse
Summary: How is Sebastian through the Sherlock lens, how is John through the Moriarty lens, read on to find out!





	Sherlock and Jim become profilers

**Sherlock’s profile for John Watson**

 

Full name: Doctor (captain) John Hamish Watson (being called captain makes him horny and makes him fuck me harder)

 

Scientific Name: Jawn (the science of affection)

 

Properties: 170 centimetres long and 77 kilograms + 7 & ½ inches cock

 

Special properties: Always wears dog tags.

 

Appearance: White, silver and dirty blond hair, light brown eyes, moderately hairy, good teeth, missing one grinder, mole on right butt cheek

 

Melting point: Little kids crying, pretty women in distress, me pouting

 

Boiling point: Jim Moriarty, my violin playing (only when I play it at 3 am), no sex for more than five days

 

Density: Compared to Jim and I, fairly dense. Compared to Lestrade, Donovan and Andersen, low density

 

Hardness: Iron like before sex, rubber like after it

 

Conductivity: Good conductor of heat in bed during winters, becomes ice cold after fights and arguments

 

Solubility: Dissolves easily with a blowjob. Sometimes letting him pick my clothes does the same trick

 

Ductility: Low to none. Very strong, cannot be beaten.

 

Malleability: Medium. Expects to be the top in bed and make the bottom (me!) malleable into various postures and poses.

 

***

 

**Sherlock’s profile for James Moriarty**

 

Full name: James Isaac Moriarty, also called Jim, Spider, Magpie, Napoleon of crime, Richard Brook, criminal mastermind, consulting criminal and ‘Munchkin’

 

Scientific Name: Jim-Jim, J.I.M

 

Properties: 173 centimetres long and 75 kilograms + 8 inches cock

 

Special properties: Always in Westwood, Burberry, Armani, Hugo Boss, Versace, Dolce and Gabbana

 

Appearance: Dark hairs (so soft), really dark eyes (so sinister yet gorgeous), practically hairless (I like!), white skin (turns green at the mention of John’s name), cute smile, round cheeks, arched brows (fuckable), tight buns, can be camp or manly at will

 

Melting point: Sebastian Moran (grrrrrrr)

 

Boiling point: Too many to put here (extensive research is on)

 

Density: Nil (so bright he almost emits light)

 

Hardness: Rock like when aroused, squishy toy when not

 

Conductivity: Poor (babe has no body fat and can’t retain or transmit heat)

 

Solubility: Dissolves into a puddle when cuddled, given a massage or a difficult mathematical problem to solve

 

Ductility: Medium. His strength is in the top chamber, not below it.

 

Malleability: Capable of being shaped or bent to any position in bed. Puts gymnasts and yoga gurus to shame

 

***

 

**Sherlock’s profile for Sebastian Moran**

 

Full name: Sebastian Augustus Moran (Moron maybe, they just changed vowels to look brighter)

 

Scientific Name: Tiger, Bastian, Seb, Sebby, Cock-tease

 

Properties: 1.99 centimetres long and 90 kilograms + 9 inches cock

 

Special properties: Vampire like canines and tattoos and claw marks, callused right hand from masturbating too much (he claims it’s because of holding sniper rifles)

 

Appearance: (Dumb) blonde, blue eyes (big deal), ripped (all brawn, no brains), tanned golden from the sun, scar from corner of right eye to cheekbone

 

Melting point: Jim Moriarty

 

Boiling point: Sherlock Holmes, bad whiskey, anyone threatening Jim

 

Density: Denser than John

 

Hardness: Diamond level. Haven’t seen it otherwise

 

Conductivity: Broiler like

 

Solubility: Easily dissolved with the sentence ‘Tigerrrr, please play with your kitten’ by Jim (I told you, he is dense)

 

Ductility: Practically none.

 

Malleability: Unwilling (yet to be quantified)

 

***

 

**Jim Moriarty’s profile for Mycroft Holmes**

 

Full name: Mycroft Sylvester Holmes, Iceman, Lazy Arse

 

Scientific Name: Mickey (Mouse like when he says ‘I am a minor government official)

 

Properties: 190 centimetres long and 93 kilograms + ? inches cock (I think it’s fallen off due to lack of use)

 

Special properties: Three-piece suit, umbrella

 

Appearance: The bad copy of a stunning sibling

 

Melting point: Me, Sherlock’s drug use, Lestrade (maybe, still observing)

 

Boiling point: He doesn’t have one. Ice Ice baby.

 

Density: Less dense than Sherlock, more dense compared to Jim Moriarty (Meeeeee)

 

Hardness: Only while interrogating consulting criminals (yes, I gave him an erection)

 

Conductivity: Nil

 

Solubility: Knighthood from the Queen

 

Ductility: I think high, he can be made into shoes

 

Malleability: Sherlock. (Mycroft doesn’t realize it but his little brother has him wrapped around his pinky)

 

***

 

**Jim Moriarty’s profile for Sherlock Holmes**

 

Full name: William Sherlock Scott Holmes

 

Scientific Name: Sherlylocks, SH

 

Properties: 188 centimetres long and 76 kilograms + 7 inches cock

 

Special properties: Belstaff coat (I keep stealing them and he keeps buying exactly similar replacements), stupid scarf, curly hair, blue-green eyes, slightly alien like look while performing chemistry experiments, talks faster (while deducing) than a hummingbird can fly, was virgin till age 30, deep voice, kinky in bed

 

Appearance: Manly, handsome, bow lips, long artistic fingers

 

Melting point: Me (also John, wtf!)

 

Boiling point: Me again

 

Density: Slight. Can crack any code, catch any criminal, solve complex crimes but when asked in bed ‘Tea, coffee or me’, responds with ‘Do you have a soda’

 

Hardness: No complaints. Comparable to iron I think. Can stay hard for long stretches of time

 

Conductivity: Medium good, can be used as blanket during cold nights

 

Solubility: High when brain stimulated or rimmed. Low when seduced with only words

 

Ductility: Medium. Seb can whip his lily-white arse any day

 

Malleability: Quite impressive in normal state. If mixed with cocaine can be ever better, it mixed with alcohol it drops sharply

 

***

 

**Jim Moriarty’s profile of Sebastian Moran**

 

Full name: Colonel Sebastian Augustus Moran of 5th Northumberland Fusiliers, Lord Moran of Hertfordshire (his daddy died so he is the one now)

 

Scientific Name: SM, Tiger, TG

 

Properties: 199 centimetres long and 90 kilograms + 9 inches cock (and all mine, yay!)

 

Special properties: Blue eyes, blue-blue eyes, really bright blue eyes, golden mane like a lion’s, great tan, even better body, tattoos and scars, carries my name on his hipbone and butt, hawk sharp vision and strength of an ox

 

Appearance: Unearthly gorgeous and sexy

 

Melting point: His kitten (that would be me)

 

Boiling point: Me spending a night with Sherlock (without asking him to join us)

 

Density: Normally very little, pretends to be denser than he is to avoid taking decisions, sinks easily if teased about his fear of losing me

 

Hardness: Rock-Iron-Diamond

 

Conductivity: Hottttttt

 

Solubility: Jim Moriarty, sophisticated weapons, good books, fast motorcycles

 

Ductility: None. He is invincible

 

Malleability: The big hunk of muscles doesn’t move much but he can become pliant after three rounds of sex

**Author's Note:**

> Kudos and comments keep us going. If you like something, would be nice to hear from you!


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